Sunday, October 21, 2007

Role playing

"You have the psychological maladjustment dealing with the reality of life and have lost the capacity to act in the simplest way to be a human, so you need a treatment, and the will to surrender, believing nothing worst than this will happen". This was the reason in brief, Rubén gave, walking me into the asylum, I was an alcoholic and had lost my charm in life, wondering the significance of birth, death and the life in between.
Some how I trusted her word, moreover I believed that the people inside would not be any different from the people outside, on which Rubén said "don't worry they are very much predictable and some of them are treated to became unpredictable, so that they can fit best in the unpredictable world". I smiled.
A tall black man guided me into a plain room allotted to me, overlooking the high wired outer walls protecting outside world from the locked insanity, he gave me a list of instructions that I was supposed to follow and asked me to wait in the room until I get a call from the doctor.
He gave me an impression of devil guardian protecting the walls of two different worlds, as soon as he left I started thinking weather this is where I expected myself to end up, then I turned my face in other direction escaping the thought that I just had.
A stout bald man in his early fifties wearing white coat, holding a clip board walked into my room. The man said "hi Steven I am doctor smith" after formal introduction he sat down and looked keenly at me and asked” do you have any question in your mind that you want to ask me".
I reluctantly said "no" but his eyes kept starring at me as if they knew the question. Then after a brief pause I asked pressing irritation “ok tell me how long you think I have to stay here".
The answer came as if, he was prepared to deliver it “as long as you will learn to make difference between you and Steven, that can take a whole life or it can happen just today or at this moment".
I hated philosophy, as it was something that screwed my life yet could not escape it, came in all form. Then he continued "is your question has something to do with what you want in your life or you just want to escape the confrontation with the reality".
I didn't wait long and interrupted him sarcastically “are you going to teach me".
"No you will learn by your self and I think you are ready for that. If you want to buy something you have to travel to the market and the time taken to actually possess the thing depends on how long is your home from the market and how much time you invest in the market. So think this way that you have traveled all along to the market, it's just the matter of time when you will actually possess the desired thing".
The worst thing about the philosopher is that they will make every thing seem so simple that you wonder weather you are an utter stupid person unfit to live in this world. After a few more minutes of conversation there was a knock at the door, tall black man walked in and the doctor stepped out of the room. “Doctor Smith is calling for you in his cabin".
Latter that day I discovered that the man who was in my room posing as dr. smith was Freddy and according to the records he was suffering from multiple split personality syndromes.
He was a costume designer in a drama company and had a passion for acting. As the record goes he was so much obsessed with acting that he will put on the costume designed and starts living the character as a real one.
Some day he will be a pirate some other day he will be a king and some other day he will be a pauper and so on. My initial reaction towards the discovery was of humiliation, yet I didn't bother much.
As the sun set I started struggling with the prevalent want of courage to stay where I was and the urge to run away betraying myself and Rubén. I started moving restlessly in the room, and then I made my mind and turned my face towards the window overlooking the high wired fence.
Freddy walked into the room without seeking permission, I was too much into myself that I didn't care, he came close to where I was standing and said pointing towards the fence” there is beautiful world out side the wall, I wish I could go there tonight, I know a way out but I am too small to climb that wall” then he continued looking at me “would you like to accompany me, with a preposition”.
I didn't have any reason to trust this freak who fooled me just few hours ago, so I remained silent, he took my silence for yes and said “ok then I will be here at 10”. It was seven o'clock in the evening when Freddy entered my room and made his offer.
The proposition that me made included wearing the costume and accompanying him all along back to the asylum. The dinner at the asylum was scheduled at 8 o'clock and for me that was the worst thing, in last six years I never had it before 1 a.m that too after a bottle of scotch.
I hardly ate anything and came back to my room. A fat nurse carrying a tray full of different colored pills walked into my room and handed me few tablets and asked to glop them, and I did.
After an hour there was knocking at the door. I was wide awake when the knock came, I opened the door and found Freddy standing there holding a small rug bag. “Come lets go”, I could have said no, but my urge to drink has weakened my decision making power. I followed him through a vacant gallery to a combined toilet then through the ventilation to the outer fence, this part of the fence didn't have any wire installed.
Freddy was true about his incapability to climb that fence, it was too high for him to climb by his own. I helped him to climb the wall and soon once again I was between the florescent lights, rushing streets, and crowd, wearing traffic man uniform.
I and Freddy walked into a bar, I ordered few shots, and Freddy ordered coke. I was into my usual ritual and didn't bother what's going around, Freddy after half an hour became restless, he was watching something that I least cared about, starring people.
Freddy got up and went straight to a group of people which I thought to be nuisance. He said “I have been here directing this cities vehicle for last thirty five years, ensuring that everybody gets home safely to there love ones, I had never taken single a leave weather it rained snowed or stormed. I was always there directing and helping the traffic to ensure your safety. So don't you people think that you owe me some respect, am I asking for something big”. Freddy continued describing all the crap that you can relate to a traffic man, till he made the entire bar applause for him.
The after effects of his speech were very much visible, I puked on my way out, and a man from the bar offered us a ride to the nearest place to the asylum, having an impression that we were real traffic people.
I was too much drunk to walk by my own due to the high dose and alcohol in body; I couldn't remember how Freddy managed to bring me back into my room. Next day he suggested me to hide the pills in my mouth till the nurse leaves and throw it away as soon as she leaves the room, I did as he said but the pills in my mouth gave me a very bad taste.
From that day it became my daily routine to escape from the asylum at night disguising myself in the costume that Freddy brought with him, I didn't participate in his role playing game that he performed every night, but I enjoyed watching him play the roles. And every night he had a different role as doctor, plumber, real estate agent, pimp, preacher and so on, he never messed one role with another, he was perfect but I never came to know which role described him as person.
He never drank while we were out, at least somebody has to in senses, and always the choice was him.
One day he said “today I want to play a drunkards role, I want to the know the pleasure and pain that they experience while having the alcohol and the way they see the world, so today its me who is going to drink and you are going to take me back to the asylum”. I was reluctant at first but had no choice, as Freddy allowed me to have few shots but not in the usual way.
Its was 11 o'clock when we settled in the bar, few shots got in at ease then he started talking “ you know something, the worst thing about life is role playing, you start wondering who you are, what do you want, what is worth holding in, whom do you owe your loyalty to, which direction to move and lots of other things, everything getting overlapped with one another making it really impossible for to make decisions, if there was anything that can erase stored subjective experience so that you can play a role at a time without bringing yourself in, wouldn't that be good”.
By the time he finished his drink, he was too much drunk and I was in complete senses wondering weather it was he who was speaking or the role that he played. I couldn't sleep that night. Next day we again went out but that day he played a monk, there was no reference to what happened yesterday, it was like he never played that role, and I didn't drink that day something changed in me for ever.
After a week I was cleared to move away from the asylum, Rubén came to pick me up. On the way back to home she asked “do you have some plan for tonight”. I said “yes I will pick you up tonight, so wait for me”.
It was 9 in the evening when I reached her apartment wearing a tuxedo which I really hated to wear; she was surprised to see in that outfit. I took her to dinner then to dance; she couldn't believe it was me.
I was holding her in my arms and she was in tears, saying nothing just holding me in. I could see Freddy from the window playing violin; the freak is good at everything. I waved at him, thanking for what he thought me, its really fun playing roles, just keep yourself out and the role in.

No comments: